How to Write A College Paper

Here is more unsolicited advice for college students, this time about writing papers:

1) Spell things correctly. You are in college. There is no excuse for bad spelling at this point in your life. Dictionaries can help. Spell-check can help. Dictionaries are even on-line now, so you don't even need to go to the library to look things up anymore.

2) Use spell-check, but do not rely on it completely. It may still make errors.

3) Punctuate correctly. You are in college.

4) Read over your essay before you turn it in. You cannot simply write from beginning to end and then turn it in. You must go over it again for typos, spelling and grammar errors, and to make sure your argument is strong, coherent, and well-organized. Read over it slowly, several times.

5) Use grammar-check, but do not rely on it completely. It may still make errors.

6) Take your time on your paper. Many errors are made when rushing.

7) Start writing your paper early, and then go through several drafts before turning it in. If you are turning in papers that you are writing the night before and you are still getting good grades, this does not necessarily mean you are writing good papers. Someone is probably grade-inflating your work. At any rate, you do not produce your best work the night before. "I work best under pressure" is high-school-level self-help rubbish.

8) Write complete sentences. This seems unnecessary to point out for college students, yet somehow it sadly is.

9) Make sure every paragraph in your paper relates directly and clearly to the argument(s) set forth in the introduction.

10) Your conclusion should not just be a rehashing of everything you have just stated. It should quickly rehash, then explore the implications of everything you have just said, to make an even deeper and more interesting point.

11) Eschew plot summary. Go heavy on analysis, light on summarizing.

12) You don't have to write your introduction first.

13) Meet with your professor, writing center people, etc. as you work on your paper. Get help and advice from people who can give you good help and advice.

14) Don't use trade jingle language. Don't say things like "fulfill his destiny," "do her best," "be all they can be," "achieve her dreams," or other such things.

15) The reason we want you to write well is because good writing reflects and perpetuates good thinking. Jumbled, foggy writing is a sign of jumbled, foggy thinking. Jumbled, foggy thinking will not help us to solve our serious and complex problems in this society, nor will they help you to deal with the myriad of more personal problems you will face in your lifetime. Don't think, "I know exactly what I want to say here in my head, but I just can't seem to put it on the paper." If it isn't clear on paper, it's because it's not very clear in your head, either.

16) Don't cheat. It's easy to catch, and the consequences are serious.

17) Maintain appropriate scholarly distance when writing about other works. Though the first person may be employed, don't write about personal experiences when you're analyzing literature, for example.

18) You may have any opinion you like, as long as you back it up. Your opinion by itself is not worth very much to anyone- you need to back it up with coherent and relevant arguments.

19) Analytical papers are not creative exercises. If you want to write about why Benedick loves Beatrice so entirely, don't argue that "maybe they used to go out together, but then she broke up with him, and maybe he's still not over it." Unless you can find evidence for such a remarkable claim. Which you can't. So don't pull ideas out of the air- they need textual evidence to be relevant.

20) Do not use colloquial language. No "that's when he let the cat out of the bag", etc. Don't use contractions. I can use them because this is a blog.

21) Speaking and writing are not the same thing. Do not write as though you were speaking to someone. Learn the difference.

22) If you do not understand what you meant when you wrote something, then no one else may be expected to know what you meant, either.

23) Don't mess with the margins, font, etc. We can tell when you are playing with the format to make it look like you wrote more. It doesn't look like that. It looks like you should have written more.

24) To better understand the importance of honing your writing skills, read George Orwell's "Politics and the English Language."

25) Split infinitives are still technically wrong, though this is rapidly changing. Chief Justic John Roberts says he likes them, though, so maybe they are technically also unconstitutional.

26) Learning to write is one of the most important skills you learn in college. It is a skill that you can use in pretty much everything in your life during and after college.

27) Read. It is hard to write well if you don't also read.

28) Your paper should have a title.

29) Your paper should make (an) argument(s). The purpose of your paper should be to persuade others of this argument, to see things your way.

30) Anticipate objections. Bring up legitimate and thoughtful objections to your argument(s), and then do all you can to destroy them.

31) There is no need to begin your paper with broad and sweeping statements that are really obvious, like "Throughout history, man has often been at war." Your first sentence should be specific and invite the reader immediately to the specifities of your topic.

32) You do not need a comma after the word "but." In fact, if you are going to start a sentence with the word "But," think thrice before you write that sentence.

33) Follow directions. A three-page paper should be three pages long, not two pages and change. If it is due on Tuesday at 9:30 in class, do not e-mail it. Do not realize at 9:25 that your printer is out of ink or there is a line at the computer lab or you left it at home or what have you. Inherent in every assignment is the requirement that you follow directions appropriately and bring it to class with you on time.

34) It does not suffice that you got some advice on your paper from your professor during office hours. You actually have to incorporate that advice into your paper. You may want to see your professor more than once about your paper, to make sure you correctly understood the advice and correctly incorporated it into your paper. Replacing one bad thing with another doesn't improve your paper. Simply meeting with a professor does not automatically make your paper any better, either. Don't think because you met with your professor that everything is now alright.

35) Do not meet with your professor about your paper expecting to be told "Good job" and that everything is fine with your paper. The purpose of office hours is not to rubber-stamp things you have written, but to help you to be a good writer.

36) Do not get annoyed when meeting with your professor about a paper takes longer than ten minutes. If anything, be annoyed that you didn't work harder to write a better paper that wouldn't require so much time to fix. Or be annoyed with all of those teachers over the years who told you your writing was great when there was much that you could have done to improve it. Be grateful that you have finally found someone willing to sit down with you and help you to improve.

37) Get help from a writing tutor. Do not think the word "tutor" is only associated with dumb people. All of us can benefit from getting individualized help with our writing. Do not think office hours are only for dumb people.

38) Don't use office hours as a crutch. Present only your best work when you go to get help. Don't ask your professor to fix spelling, grammar, typo, or incoherence problems for you. This is an insult to your professor, an embarrassment to you, and a shame on your momma who raised you.

39) It's called a stapler. Use one. Dog ears are an embarrassment to you, your classmates, your momma who raised you, and dogs and their ears.

40). Curb your enthusiasm. Do not saturate your paper with unnecessary exclamation marks. I am happy that you are excited and happy to be alive. So am I. It is good to be young and alive, I agree. Gaudeamus igitur. But find other ways to express your joie de vivre, ways that do not involve exclamation marks.